*at job interview* Oh yes, my criminal record? The only thing illegal I’ve done is absolutely KILLIN it on the dancefloor. Haha, just kidding! I have killed a man
Jimmy Fallon and his One Direction/Harry Styles obsession
Harry Imagine: You Tell Him You’re Pregnant
"Harry I have to talk to you about something."
"And I hate to do this over the phone."
"I can’t wait any longer to tell you."
"Harry, I’m, I’m pregnant."
sometimes i’m drinking something and i can feel it spilling on me but i just keep drinking because i don’t care about anything anymore
pizza guy: *picks up phone*
pizza guy: hi thanks for calling what would you like?
ellen: yeah i'd like to get about four large cheese pizzas please
pizza guy: delivery or pick-up?
pizza guy: and where would you like them to be delivered?
ellen: the oscars
pizza guy: the fuck u mean
I reblog this every time I see it, no question.
(Source: pleatedjeans, via usuallycrying)
student: hey government can I have some money to go to university
uk government: sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
scottish government: nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
us government: no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker.
HEY we’re taking on the world!
if you sold all your eggs you would make $3.2 billion
your uterus is worth $3.2 billion
#and a nutsack is worth like $25 and half a pb&j
I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS MEANS EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A PERIOD YOU LOSE $8,000???????????? TERRIBLE
Maybe that’s why we get so emotional
#this is it #we cracked it #the secret of periods
did you just make an egg pun